Summer Travel: This is something we all think about long winter – even later Stuck near the house for more than two years. We daydream about potential trips and plan carefully with loved ones. Wherever we go, we hope to have fun and eat delicious things and have the best, most comfortable, most time to improve.
However, inevitably, there is a moment where things do not work out as expected.
You yell at your kids, who can’t look away from your screen, that you didn’t spend money on a beach house for it. You and your partner, who manages to lose your phone on the way from the airport check-in to the gate, are hashing out the darkest details of your relationship in front of a group of strangers, who get there and look away. . Or maybe you and your friends, after a drunken night in Cancun which is very, very bad, fly home together quietly, not sure if you will speak again.
First things first: Breathe. This is perfectly normal.
“I don’t know a person who doesn’t have it at some point,” he says Dr. David OystersIn Clinical Assistant Professor Department of Psychiatry at the Grossman School of Medicine, New York University. “I have a 100% adult fight at Disney.”
I have 100% adult rejection at Disney.
– Dr. David Oysters
Screaming at each other on vacation is a terror response embedded in our DNA. It is linked to the amygdala, a part of our brain that engages in fear processing, which understands not only physical dangers but also emotional and psychological ones, he says. Dr. Antoinette Gupta, A psychologist based in Orange County. When we don’t realize we’re getting what we need from loved ones, we realize we don’t care about them, they’re not there for us. It causes physical suffering as well as behaviors and emotions that aim to help our self-preservation, from retreating to attacking.
In a way, the holiday is a key moment for it because your expectations are high and your frustration tolerance is low, Austern notes. You can be relaxed and beautiful somewhere, but “you’re out of your normal routine. You can be in a different time zone, your circadian rhythms may be off, and it messes up executive work. We’re pulled in many directions, especially on group travel.”
Although the logical part of the brain can otherwise calm the amygdala when it comes to minor frustrations, now, “it takes control and tells your body that you’re in danger, and we grow … even if it’s just a phone. It doesn’t connect to the car.”
“When we talk about emotions in the persistence of anger / frustration, there is usually a cognitive difference between what we want to be and what is happening,” adds Astren, who brings the Griswolds who arrived at Wally World on a “National Lamps Vacation”. Just to find that The park is closed for maintenance. His plans are ruined, Clark, the patriarch of the family, snaps, and things are completely off the rails, going from daydreaming to holiday nightmares.
No one wants that. Here’s what to do instead.
Before you go: share expectations and prepare for the unknown
Of course, you have to communicate. But it’s not just about logistics and getting to the airport on time.
Tamica Lewis, CEO and founder of Los Angeles-based WOC Therapy Inc., recently on vacation in Thailand with his 11- and 13-year-old children. “Everyone should do their own research and have their own ideas about what they want to experience,” she says. For him, that meant going to the temple; For her daughter, she planned to visit Terminal 21, a shopping center in Bangkok; For her son, Tuk-Tuk rides. “Be really clear about what everyone wants to do and feel. Where people get into trouble when those conversations don’t happen.”
Recently, for example, Lewis, a licensed social worker, also went on a trip with a group of women in Sedona, Ariz. [had] Different ideas of what they want to experience “(for some, wine-infused mother gateways; for others, a time of quiet grounding).” The problem was that we had never established the purpose of this trip. We had to sit down and reset expectations. It was a little rocky. “
“Evaluate what other people value and set expectations,” adds Astren, who recently traveled to Berkshire, Massachusetts, with his wife – the first time they’ve been together without twins. “We haven’t stepped on the road,” he says. “We just went to different cities and found antiques. That was great for us, but we talked about it before: is it okay, are you hoping to climb some mountains? No? Good. “
If differences appear in the planning stages of your trip, you can work to find agreements, decide if there are certain parts of the trip where you go yourself and let others do the same or, if there is no way to make an agreement, make sure This is not a journey to all.
Walley World, in fact, may be closed! Call ahead if you can (especially, says Austrian, during COVID); Buy tickets in advance for anything you can sell; Check out what the weather might be like. And “if you can tell yourself, ‘This holiday doesn’t depend on an experience going the way I expected’, it will manage some of the potential frustration that may come later,” he adds.
If you can tell yourself, “This holiday doesn’t depend on an experience as I expected,” it will probably manage some potential frustration.
– Dr. David Oysters
“I knew we were coming in the rainy season,” Lewis said of his trip to Thailand. “But I did a lot of research, planning activities and guessing road obstacles like weather.”
To reduce stress, Lewis also arranged for an airport pickup and booked some pre-packaged experiences, such as a tuk-tuk tour. Probably the most important plan of all was to “functionally prepare, tie loose pieces and allow me to sit and unplug with my kids”. “When you’re away with your favorite people, you want to be able to be there mentally and enjoy the time.”
In the heat of the moment: pause and reflect
When the movement begins to increase, in addition to using relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and meditation, it is useful to briefly remove yourself from the situation so that you can calm down and regulate. It can be hard if you’re in a car or a small hotel room, you know Austern, but you can always say, “Stop it, I need to calm myself down,” or, if your traveling companion sees you hurt. , They might interrupt something, “Do you want to breathe and we’ll be back?”
“When a person backs down, it’s not because they don’t care, it’s because they are overwhelmed,” says Gupta, who urges empathy for your partner, whether they fight or take a cold stance. “All of these things build up over time, and then something happens at the airport, a person loses their boarding pass or you’re late.” All of a sudden, we jump into our assumptions of “I don’t care about you” or “I’m trying my best.”
In those moments of reaction, recognize what you are doing, step back and take a break. When you and your partner agree that you are both ready, go back and talk about it, openly and with risk.
Lewis adds that it is useful to take the position of observer rather than critic, especially when hardships begin to reap. If you can stay out of the decision area, you can avoid unnecessary nitpicking that can lead to conflict.
“We went to this beautiful waterfall in Chiang Mai,” she says, “and there were insects, really big insects. My kids wouldn’t walk; they’re valley kids! I’m very disappointed. But I have to take into account their sensitivity and let it go.” You know, the day was still amazing! ”
After a fight: Don’t beat yourself up
“You’re going to prevent your primary terror from exploding, but you have to take care of your family because you have all of this,” says Gupta. So be kind to yourself and your loved ones. All fight; Everyone makes mistakes.
“In a world where I want to live, sometimes it’s okay to despise an adult,” says Astren. “It’s just humanity that’s popping up from time to time.”
Unfortunately, not every fight ends with hugs and make-up, even if you step back and try to reconnect. But you still have options. “If you’re feeling a certain way towards certain people, know that you can prove it: I feel like, it’s true,” says Gupta.
If the other party is not interested in changing, you can be accountable and take care of yourself. One way to do this is to set boundaries, such as limiting vacations with that person.
On vacation: Remember why you are there
Perfection is not possible, and that’s probably why you’re vacationing together, Lewis notes. So take it off the table, and instead pursue a fellowship, curiosity or just spending time together, even if it turns out.
‘Why am I doing this now?’ Instead, ‘How did it happen?’ ‘Austrian suggests. “Why did it make sense for people to go to the pool house with that group? What kind of relationship / comfort values do you want to connect with? It says something important to you; try to remember that.”
When in doubt, remember that spending time with caring people and enjoying the authentic, dirty glory of experience is a gift.
“There may not be any happiness or relaxation on vacation, but keeping those people in that environment is still incredibly meaningful,” says Astren. “The more we can emphasize it, the better.”