We can learn a lot here, and even more if we want to be naughty, which we certainly do. Once again, it turns out that almost all politically motivated crimes against Trump supporters are self-inflicted, suggesting that Trump voters in general are so prone to criminal behavior that even they are not safe from themselves. For example, most cases of proven voter fraud have turned out to be cases of Trump supporters voting for dead relatives, Trump supporters allowing conspiracy theorists to gain unauthorized access to voting machines, Trump supporters forging signatures to get their names on the ballot, Trump supporters funding private investigators who want to get random repairmen off the road if their work trucks are stuffed with secret ballots or just straight ballot stuffing.
Also, we may learn that half or more of the shadowy non-organization known as “antifa” is actually made up of Trump supporters viciously attacking themselves to put themselves in their place. In any case, Trump supporters seem to think that both antifa and their local Black Lives Matter movements exist primarily to persecute them personally by making them read the things written on their house.
I think many of you are pretty tired of it by now. Many of us around these parts is the “antifa” members, at least all the Trump supporters know, but if Trump supporters are going to go around pretending to be Biden provocateurs, they should at least do enough research to find out how secret Biden’s cells are. actually target and remove individual people who are on the big list of annoying Trump supporters.
Trump supporters, or you indeed think “if we paint on this guy’s house” is the grand master plan of the police reform movement and anti-fascist cells across the country? Really? Or is it the easiest to fake? And if Biden 2020 supporters were to burn down your erstwhile RV, don’t you think they would carefully assess the surrounding terrain to prevent the flames from spreading to other, unrelated vehicles? That’s arson 101. No Biden voter worth their salt would burn down your camper without at least a cursory report on the environmental impact.
Please start forging better crimes. You are very welcome. Here are some tips on how black lives matter to protesters, anarchists, anti-fascists and other enemies of Donald Trump. actually harassment podunk Trump supporters. If you want people to believe you are a victim of one of these groups, you can start by mimicking the crimes they are actually responsible for.
Anarchists are a tough crowd known for their contempt for authority and all its symbols, and there is no more blatant symbol of government power than government-issued money. This is why anarchists are well known for what is called “twentybombing”. In the dead of night, anarchist agents break into the homes of Trump supporters looking for $20 bills. If they find any, they will steal them. The anarchists will then go to the nearest public library and stick your $20 bill through the book deposit slot.
It’s the perfect crime. No one in these pro-anarchy groups goes around painting “A’s” on people’s houses, it’s just ridiculous. But every day in America, Trump supporters wake up to find they have $20 less than they thought they had, while local librarians gasp in bewilderment to find their library’s bookcases overflowing with loose Andrew Jackson.
Want to fake a crime against you by anarchists? Take all your $20 bills and put them in the slot in the little library. Go home, call the local news and claim anarchists did it. There, in sports, you are on television.
Antifa and anarchists are not the same thing, and Trump supporters need to get through this if they want to fake the crimes of either group. Antifa stands for “anti-fascist” or the opposition to fascism, while anarchists are against everything that appears, but tend to focus most of their anger on the $20 bill. Antifa only targets fascists, so if you’re going to claim to be a victim of antifa, you have to go around saying fascist things first. Has it already been done? OK good, now you can burn down your camper. But don’t do that either, because that’s not how antifa works. Antifa is a free community of idealists with access to far better technology than your average RV owner; they specialize in attacks using ultraviolet radiation.
Let’s explain. If you’re a Trump supporter with a pro-Trump flag hanging outside your house, you might notice that the colors of that flag fade pretty quickly, right? It starts out looking bright and young, then it starts looking tired, then it starts looking washed out. That’s because local antifa cells drive around every night looking for Trump flags; when they find it, they briefly emit very strong ultraviolet light, causing it to fade just a little.
While the effect of one antifa leaving is barely noticeable, the Trump flag left up night after night will begin to show irreversible effects. However, flags targeting elite super-antifa cells will disappear entirely. If you want to claim that your home was attacked not just by antifa, but by superantifa, dear Trump supporters, hang a white flag outside your house. Then go to your local police station and file a report: Antifa turned my Trump flag white. You’ll have a more believable story to tell than the “someone painted on my house” version, and if you tell the insurance company it’s a special Trump flag signed by the big man himself, you could be defrauding them. for an additional five dollars.
There are also countless groups that are part antifa and part anarchist—too many to go through individually. There is anarfa, and antihist, and anar-anti, and many others. Typically, these groups focus on the forced distribution of hard candy and tend to be older. If your parents or grandparents always have sandwich candy, for example, on hand, you should be careful. Handing out hard candy is socialism. Sharing bad hard candy is anarchy.
That leaves Black Lives Matter, but it’s simple, so we can get rid of it quickly. There’s only one crime that Black Lives Matter supporters tend to use against Trump supporters, and that’s “being seen.” Black Lives Matter supporters are known to walk the sidewalks and go shopping. Sometimes they drive and other times they operate toll booths. If you see someone in public who isn’t you and isn’t part of your immediate family, it’s probably a Black Lives Matter supporter and, I don’t know, you should wet your pants or something.
Technically, this won’t be considered a crime, but you may be able to repay your insurance company anyway. For example, it’s possible that whatever you sit on will suffer water damage. Oh, or you can always go to the police and file a complaint about Black Lives Matter peeing on your favorite chair or whatever. Here’s a tip: Discreetly hand the employee a $20 bill when you file a report. If the officer calmly accepts the bill, they’re likely to file a report that makes the damage to your chair seem more serious, but if the officer gets downright furious about you giving him $20, you know they’re not really cops, anarchist, pretending to be one. If it does, you’re in trouble. This means that the anarchists have taken over the local police department. They will say they are confiscating your $20 bill for “evidence” but we both know the truth. This bill will be credited to the library’s book return slot within one day.
So go away, Trump supporters, but at least make your fake crimes believable. Put up a white flag outside your house and claim antifa whitewashed it with superweapons. Hand over all your cash to the local librarians while wearing a fake mustache so no one can tell it was you.
No one will believe that the anarchist Biden-supporting Black Lives Matter supporters are outraged at your two-car garage. All will believe that Trump’s enemies are going around making you fade the colors on your Trump flags or give money to public libraries because those are crimes that every other Trump supporter has seen too. Just remember to look sad when describing it to the cops and local reporters and you’ll be fine. Enough with spray paint and poorly planned arson.
Jason Bressler, who was political director of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee during the 2018 wave of House takeovers by the party, is joining the House. The Downballot broadcasting